Melbourne - Brisbane Return Journey - Part 1

It had been a hectic three days in Melbourne. I had been summoned down there to deal with a notoriously difficult person from whom I had to extract information about a process that he knows intimately but has difficulty in communicating due to an overdeveloped sense of ownership and a stubborn personality. All I can say is the three days spent there were very trying with regular and repeated minor incidents of workplace conflict that required me to bite my lip and resolve despite the emotions that flared up inside me.

That said, I was exhausted by the time Wednesday rolled around and I woke up in a state of mental tiredness that I knew didn't bode well for the return trip home.

I knew I was more vulnerable to stress in this state or mood and as a result I found myself growing more concerned by the minute as I realised I was just plain exhausted. Even getting in and out of the lifts triggered my anxiety response too easily and I found my negative thoughts were more present than when I am feeling rested and relaxed.

I started to observe the frequency and occurence of my thoughts. I wrote on a piece of paper next to me while I was at work going through the last bits of the process with Mr 'No-one can do it better than me'. I noticed what I was thinking and how often the thoughts occurred.

8.15 I'm never gonna make it back to Brizzy in this state. I am just not in the right place with my mind.. God I feel whacked. Just look at how panicky I was in the lift.

9.10 Aogh! There it is again, that hot burny panicy feeling in my tummy. Flip! I am not going to handle this flight very well. Nonsense! What a thought to have - I just wanna get home and rest so I am going no matter what. If you stay in Melbourne another night I will be doubly whacked tomorrow so just deal with it ok? Thoughts are 'just thoughts'. Yeah but remember we learned 'thoughts become things', ... u know like that self help email u get everyday from 'The Universe'. Well these ones aren't helping so don't entertain them, just let them pass thru yr mind like trains going through a station. Only entertain thoughts that are useful to u - invite them in, and use them to your best advantage. Now focus on your work and just get off the Worry Train will you? Ok?

10.50 Oh geez, it's almost time to leave for the airport - I don't feel much better, in fact, I feel WORSE! I love my pink polka dot case but I am just like it - a fruit loop. Why do I have this affliction? Why can't I just be normal like other people Damn! it's nearly one o'clock. I am gonna die. Comeon Nikki you ay the victim so well - take respionsibility for your fear girl - only you are scaring yourself ... You are normal - just that you insist on this self- sabotage so stop weakening youself. There are weakening thoughts and strengthening thoughts so be responsible for filtering them. Yeah but my body doesn't lie hey my tummy is burning my back feels tense and I just don't feel comfortable in my skin. Yes this is true but it's your thoughts that r triggering this feeling of being hnsafe. You won't feel comfortable because you r fighting the feeling - don't resist just feel the anxiety, relax into it. The feelings don't live fir very long if you give them air and acknowldge them - your body will have achieved it's objective because it has notified you that you are feeling anxious. Ekhart Tolle says 'the body is the truth, the thought is the lie'. By this he means that you need to physically sense what is going on inyour body to know what you are really feeling about a situation. We often have too many thoughts to know which one affects us to the level of discomfort we are feeling.

1.00pm in taxi en route to airport 25 minute ride: yikes this is it chicky. Your goose is cooked. I have taken 1 tranquilizer but I still feel yukky nervous. My tummy is on fire. Why do you dothis to youself girl? Because I wanna fly home and see
My family ok? I need them my spirit resonates with my own flesh and blood and I need to replenish. It's something I have to do. That is why I am doing this plus of course if I want to keep my flash job and the pennies coming in thru the door I have to do this. Hmmm change your job girlfriend!! nah! You won't get away with avoidance this time girl - you have been running for too long. Now we turn around and face it. It no longer serves you to run - other aspects of your life are severely impoverished as a result of you not standing in the face of your fear. Your world has shrunk beyond belief. Time to expand your comfort zone because to be honest you have become quite boring in your needing to feel SAFE all the time. Live life on the skinny branches girl - much more fun and interesting. It's only tiredness.

Chick-Chick Boom