I AM ALIVE!!!

Today I flew down to Sydney in a 767 for lunch AGAIN!!!!

This time I had a friend with me. This is what teachers call: Level 2 competency learning where the student completes a task with only partial assistance.

Now onto 'chemical assistance' - while I don't condone the use of tranquilisers in facing ones fears as I have had personal experience in how addictive they can be - I have enlisted the guidance and counsel of my doctor to show me how to use them in the most effective way without pulling the tiger's tail.

I feel that given everything I learned in the Fearless Flyers course and flying drug free for the first time in twenty years bears credence to the value in doing the course - however (yes Madalyn - I can hear you tsk tsk-ing right now) but in my case I feel that given I experience a literal 'asthma of the nerves' as my long ago psychologist put it - I feel that the use of these drugs for a limited timeframe will aid in my recovery as it takes the edge off the experience that is now becoming more and more familiar. I aim in time to reduce my reliance on tranquilisers in-flight over time.

Right now though,  I am sticking to a regime of I have a crutch that just helps me get through. My confidence with each flight is building and I have felt a definite shift in my recovery on a scale of 1-100 - I started at -5, then after the first fearless flight it moved to 35, to my trip to Sydney it moved to 85 given I was tranquilised. Now just because you read 'tranquilisers', let me hasten to add here, that you must not make the assumption that tranquilisers will just fix fear straight off the bat.  I have been practising Madalyn's relaxation twice a day PLUS I have been rereading her booklet, reviewing Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers PLUS Dr Burns The Feeling Good Hand book - especially the chapter on how to deal with fears by testing them using a variety of techniques.

Keep a record of your Panic Attacks to see how long they last Time: 0-99 rating: Thoughts:

* The experimental method
* Paradoxical technique
* Shame-attacking
* Confront your fears
  - sudden exposure or flooding 
  - gradual exposure
  - the partnership
* Daily mood log
* The cost benefit analysis
* Positive imaging
* Distraction
* The acceptance paradox
* Gettin in touch

All these and more I have been practicing - I am so focussed on eradicating this fear I feel that in time, and that is key, in time, I will feel more comfortable about flying. It is like a muscle - it has to be developed - it doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen - that much is a certainty. The road ain't easy but it had brought so many gifts and raised my consciousness in an almost spiritual sense if the word.

We had a fabulous day in Sydney - we hired a car and drove to Stanwell Tops in Sydneys Royal National Park. It was so hot up there but while we were driving through the back of beyond I felt the old panick start to arise - what if I hyperventilate and we are miles away from anywhere and suddenly I realised that I know what to do no matter what or where I am - it's OK!!!! I am OK!!!! Whoooooo!

I felt a surge of confidence and my spirit soared while the realization washed over me just how restrictive this fear had been for me and how I had receded from all spheres of my life that I really used to enjoy, especially that which feeds my soul -being on nature - this, nature, is what feeds my life essence, my mana, my spirit, my energy. Whooooohoooo! I feel so fu_king ALIVE!