K, so now I have a double whammy, I am flying to Sydney on Sunday & back to Brizzy.. and then have to be in Melbourne on Monday.. oh YAAAY!... back to Brizzy on Wed.

I have been avoiding this but I know this is the only way through – head on, straight through the middle. I am not sure where to… but it will mean that a great deal of courage is called for.  Courage.. well anyone who knows me well enough knows that I am the first to burst into tears when the going really gets tough.. (including all my fearless flyer mates) and right now, I do feel that I may have bitten off more than I can chew but again, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t do things in small doses or in halves.

I have been feeling a little light-headed and dizzy all day yesterday and today… but I figured is just nerves and tension and that I need to get back to the relaxation exercises.. Madalyn did say: they are ‘just thoughts’….> I am aware of my thoughts going nuts again.. but they are really “just thoughts”.. as I have reminded myself a dozen times already as all the snarly cougar thoughts roar through my head  - I realise that nothing could have prepared me for the actual event so ‘scenario spinning’ is really just pointless. Man, I feel like downing a beer right now!!.. anyone else care to join me?

Interesting: Thoughts become things (Title of a book currently in print).. As far as I currently understand it we can use thoughts to create our world yet our thoughts can also be our own worst enemy… this really makes me see how the mind can be our most powerful ally in terms of being the ‘artist of our life’… but at the same time, our thoughts can also not serve us… our programming during our years, from our experiences, contribute toward our blueprint and create obstacles for us based on our ‘filters’…our fixed habits of behaviour, the real practice then is knowing when and how to use our thoughts powerfully…

Our language is key to us discovering whether we are creating our world or just talking about our world.. and this comes down to certain ‘key’ words….I will say this….when the sympathetic nervous system takes over, you are really at its mercy, regardless of ‘thoughts’.. the thoughts only control what anticipatory anxiety you experience prior to an attack so when it hits, you can only focus on feeling it, not fighting it and then when you emerge from the attack only then can you work on how you come recover from it.. so even when you are in the middle of an attack, all you can do is ‘have an attack’.. then as you surface.. try as far as you possibly can.. to distract yourself or get yourself to a point where you can rebalance until the next one creeps up.. that’s it.. just deal with it as it arises until it stops.. then only have you conquered your fear…  

You can ‘not think’ negative thoughts while you are in situ with your fear because you are at its mercy… your thoughts only serve to escalate your anxiety which is why there  is so much focus on producing thoughts that are conducive to not triggering a chemical meltdown reaction in the brain.  I argue that the real focus is instead on just ‘feeling the fear’.. I mean really just feeling the fear… being the observer, maybe even timing it to see how long it lasts… because at some stage it does disappear.. but it does return  so really there are ‘waves’, and it is panic nonetheless.

When you welcome it and observe it and look towards it.. it does tend to evaporate. Remember as the doctor said: Panic Attacks are SAFE.

I mean lets face it.. there is a lot of crap written out there.. and I feel that its time for us to dispel the myth that these self-help books that claim they can change your life actually work. I can categorically state this because I have read these books.. there is a lot of good knowledge in them, very descriptive but until you take the plunge and ‘experience’ it for yourself – there is nothing happening except someone’s pocket getting fatter because of your inability to face your fear. Read the books by all means… as there is always knowledge to be gained but knowledge doesn’t cast out fear, action does.

What is real for me is that I am starting to realise each solution for each fear is as unique as the individual who experiences it.  I am going to dispel another myth: fear is not like a condom = seriously!!… NO ONE SIZE FITS ALL (yes there are different condom sizes if you are curious). Each individual must chart their own course through the dark waters of fear until they find the solution themselves, and if they choose a helper to do so with them, then again, caution must be taken that this is not someone they come to rely on, being there for every flight.

So what I have just said is controversial. Naturally no-one wants to hear that self-help books are pointless. No-one wants to hear that we need to take responsibility for the way we feel.. I know I don’t – I am the worst offender, AND I have a cupboard full of self-help books at home… (that cupboard full of books simply means is I have become an expert at gathering knowledge AND practicing avoidance!!!)  So, realise that in facing your fear, you have to work on this with someone who is experienced in this area to assist you and guide you but does not usurp your process or overprotects you 

That said, I got onto the topic of this ‘fear’ being there for me.. what I have become really present to is that this fear has taken me to a level of consciousness that I don’t think many people have an opportunity to experience. Most will practice avoidance, and rare is the day that people will tackle this type of thing head on, unless there is a compelling reason for them to do so. Why? Because I have to say, it is THE most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Why? Because I like to prepare in advance, be proactive, make sure everything is laid out as it should be rather than just live in the moment.. this is a matter of habit and one that is tough to break.. preparation and planning ensures you don’t have ‘piss-poor performance’.. All my life I have been preparing for some challenge, moment, test, etc.. its exhausting I have to admit. Frankly I would rather go skipping through a field full of daisies, not with a care in the world, but unfortunately I am unable to locate such a person that will make that happen for me …so back to myself.. I have been of the opinion that I do have to face the fear and do it anyway..

The benefit of such a fear is such that I get to experience the real inside of me… that I can only do it for myself and no-one else. That one person is ME.. I am responsible for ME… I get to see what is really going on at a physical, mental, spiritual level… deep within the core of who I am.. I see what I am and who I am.. and I realise that I am just shit-scared, vulnerable, immobilised, and until I stare it back in the face, I am powerless.. until I actually stand in the company of that fear there is nothing I can do – no, no book, no guru, no mentor, no course, no food, well.. ok maybe chocolate and maybe …  J

Yours in flight,