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Today I flew down to Sydney in a 767 for lunch AGAIN!!!!

This time I had a friend with me. This is what teachers call level 2 competency learning where the individual completes a task with only partial assistance.

Now onto 'chemical assistance' - while I don't condone the use of tranquilisers in facing ones fears as I hv had personal experience in how addictive they can be - I have enlisted the guidance and counsel of my doctor to show me how to use them in the most effective way without pulling the tiger's tail. I feel that given everything I learned in the Fearless Flyers course and flying drug free for the first time in twenty years bears credence to the value in doing the course - however (yes Madalyn - I can hear you tsk tsk-ing right now) but in my case i feel that given i experience a literal 'asthma of the nerves' as my psychologist put it - i feel that the use of these drugs for a limited timeframe will aid in my recovery - it only takes the edge off am experience that is now becoming more familiar and I aim in time to reduce my reliance on tranquilisers. Right now I am sticking to a regime of I have a crutch that just helps me get thru. My confidence with each flight is building and I have felt a definite shift in my recovery on a scale of 1-100 - I started at -5, then after the first fearless flight it moved to 35, to my trip to Sydney it moved to 85 ESP since I was tranquilised. Let me hasten to add here that I have been practising Madalyn's relaxation twice a day PLUS I have been rereading her booklet, reviewing Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers PLUS Dr Burns The Feeling Good Hand book - especially the chapter on how to deal with fears by testing them using a variety of techniques.

Keep a record of your Panic Attacks to see how long they last Time: 0-99 rating: Thoughts:

The experimental method
Paradoxical technique
Shane-attacking
Confront your fears
- sudden exposure or flooding
- gradual exposure
- the partnership
Daily mood log
The cost benefit analysis
Positive imaging
Distraction
The acceptance paradox
Gettin in touch

All these and more I have been practicing - I am so focussed on eradicating this fear I feel that in time, and that is key, in time, I will feel more comfortable about flying. It is like a muscle - it has to be developed - it doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen - that much is a certainty. The road ain't easy but it had brought so many gifts and raised my consciousness in an almost spiritual sense if the word.

We had a fabulous day in Sydney - we hired a car and drove to Stanwell Tops in Sydneys Royal National Park. It was so hot up there but while we were driving thru the back of beyond I felt the old panick start to arise - what if I hyperventilate and we are miles away from anywhere and suddenly I realised that I know what to do no matter what or where I am - it's OK!!!! I am OK!!!! Whoooooo!

I felt a surge of confidence and my spirit soared while the realization washed over me just how restrictive this fear had been for me and how I had receded from all spheres of my life that I really used to enjoy, especially that which feeds my soul -being on nature - this, nature, is what feeds my life essence, my mana, my spirit, my energy. Whooooohoooo! I feel so fucking ALIVE!

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Saw the doctor yesterday to confirm how to take medication. He said his wife is a fearful flyer even though she loves travel.

He outlined for me that we are in the craft and sitting there adrenalin has nowhere to go so by shaking hands wiggling we will absorb the adrenalin at some point.

He said that panic attacks are quite safe. He said it will pass and with a couple of tranquilisers down the hatch - 1 mg ativan taken 2 hours before, then one taken 1 hour before, I will be relaxed enough to fly. I think do too.

While I wasn't happy flying to London, I was there in the cabin dealing with it and I do recall that eventually the environment felt natural to me, especially on the way back. I was wondering up to the toilet to do my makeup and basically get ready for landing.

I just have to talk myself thru it. If I feel the attack coming I will think hmm no Madalyn here to see me thru this, panic, then nerves explode, then OMG why did I even think of doing this silly bitch, then I will have to kick in my emergency code red plan -

I am curious to see just how long they last... if i know it will be over it in like 10 minutes.. i can just time it... and ride it out...

So here goes...
1. Look at the time it takes for first wave of fear, write down.
2. Push stomach in to make myself take a breath. Time how long this attack lasts.
3. Look at the time when feeling balanced again. See how long a PA lasts.
4. Visualise the cougar. Have to feel it not fight it. Allow it to happen. Know that it will pass. Know that u r safe.
You will not die.

5. Do this enough times and it will disappear... 

You will get tired of yourself.. and your mind's antics.. :) (Can't wait for that day)

Topics to talk about on the plane:
(have to be totally sincere else won't work)

1. How would you describe yourself?........
2. When did you last...(insert any verb here)...?
3. What would u prefer?

Girl or Boy? (as in having kids...)

4. Who would you choose and why?

Mr T or Mrs Doubtfire?

5. What does hair mean to you?

Omg just booked my next flight feeling nervous!!!

131313 flights
At 12pm start to check seat allocation.

Qantas.com/yourbooking
Http://book.qantas.com.au/yourbooking
8.15 departure. 10.50 arrival QF513
17.35 departure 18.05 arrival QF542

Make sure you pack early and work out your tranquilisers :)

Dep BNE
1st tranq - 6.00
2nd tranq - 7.15

Dep Syd
1st tranq - 15.35
2nd tranq - 16.35

Tranquilisers 2 every four hours.
Run and flush system when you get home

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Feel then check u don't fight - just be with it
It won't last forever
Adrenaline gets reabsorbed.
Shake your hands wiggle yr toes & yr legs - then push all the air out of yr lungs and release, this wl force an in breath thus inhibiting further adrenalin release - when you take a deep breath u relax. When u exhale like a yogi, yr heart rate slows. Either way u r in control even tho u experience unpleasant feelings.

The only way to conquer fear is to face it. Fear is an experiential thing. U can only face it in the here and now. It really hurts to do it but it is frees u. The antcipation thoughts r just thoughts they r only thoughts - nothing else. For days I envisaged what wld happen in- flight, all sorts of scenarios - then I got on the plane wo tranquilisers and started massaging Richard and Michelle's hands. In hindsight I can say I never ever concieved of that idea prior to the flight! It just goes to show that u don't know what is going to happen until u r in the moment. This is key. It is key because yr anxiety levels before an event can get out of hand. If u know that u simply hv to be in the moment, being vulnerable, feeling, not fighting the symptoms of panic - u r able to embrace yr fear. The more u embrace your fear, the more u disempower it. The more u disempower it, the less of a grip it has on you.

It takes practice because you are also building a muscle, breaking a habit that has been there for years. Thisis the hard part but the best part because fear can be a habit! A habit that potentially become debilitating if not kept in check!

It helps to visualise your fear. My fear is a cougar - if I am calm the cougar won't attack, if I am nervous, I will feel it's teeth in my neck. It helps to visualise my fear I can see it, to hear it, to know when it appears making the invisible visible - now I can deal with it because I can see it long before it manifests and I can take action.

As Madalyn said: "Knowledge (and action) casts out fear" - it is the 'doing' where the power is in dealing with fear. The NOW. Kahuna philosophy holds this as one of seven basic tenets - Manawa - the power of now - be focussed. Focus on being in the now with your fear - this is where you experience power but only if you don't fight it. If u fight it, u r not being vulnerable and the resistance will sink it's teeth into your neck like a cougar.

By the way the lunch was fantastic as was the walk thru the markets.

Massive day - when I arrived home, I was too tired to talk! Fell asleep on the floor in the loungeroom with my son tapping me awake to go to bed.

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Back to the day 3 blog entry. The afternoon activity involved us all travelling up the air control tower. I was already starting to experience high anxiety just sitting at the table. I told Pat I don't do lifts and that I am here only for the plane. Pat just smiled and said "Don't u see Nikki? They are all connected." In my mind I knew she was right but somehow I didn't or couldn't acknowledge that. Pat changed the subject to visualisation & of course I knew what she was doing so I brought the conversation back to the lift again. I asked how high the tower was. She answered non-chalantly "32 floors" I gasped. "You are joking!" I replied in disbelief. "No I'm not", she said, "you've picked a Duzi"

My stomach and its newly acquired contents heaved and then lurched like a tired tanker in stormy seas. I knew I was screwed.

Lunch finished and we sat down to an aIr traffic control talk with Richard but not before Olympia and I had set aside a scrummy vanilla slice and custard tart as a bravery award for afternoon tea - we knew we were gonna need it.

After the talk, we all headed straight for the tower and as Richard opened the tower entrance door, my heart started to thunder, I became a cat on a hot tin roof, a toey racehorse at the Melbourne cup jump gate - I wanted to bolt!

The first lot went up and I counted the seconds it took so I could do a count down on the way up - 35 seconds - I felt a little better that it would be short ride. What I didn't count on was the size of the lift! When i came around the corner, as everyone got in, all I could see was half a lift! not even big enough to fit a sandwich in!! I shook my head, backing up as i felt the tears stickle my eyeballs and somewhere in the darkness I heard Richards voice say "Come on you will regret it if u don't". I knew then I was going to have to face my nemesis - so I forced myself forward and i stepped into the void despite all my alarms going off in code Red!

Up we went, and I watched the green line of lift progress meter as it hurtled me towards my battlefield of fear. I looked at a white Olympia and then consoled myself with the fact that there would b more space when we got out the lift -OMG! was I wrong or what!! Never make assumptions is all I can say. We stepped out into a tiny stairwell of about 20/30 odd stairs and we had to wait on the dimly lit stairwell until Richard got the OK to let us in at the top. It echoed and i could taste the tension I looked down the stairwell into a line of expectant slightly anxious faces. I turned around quickly to look back up to the top because suddenly I felt claustrophobic. I realised there was no room to move and I had to get up to where there was more room. Just as it started to get unbearable, we started to move. As we climbed the stairs, I started to feel puffed (not a good feeling I might add) and by the time I stepped up into the glass rotunda I felt quite light-headed and almost off-with-the-fairies-kinda feeling. It felt surreal, i surveyed my surroundings quicky and then I returned to how I was feeling. Quite light-headed, dizzy and then all I wanted to do was get out of there - I knew that wasn't gonna b easy because I would hv to get into the sandwich lift on my OWN!!

By this stage, code Red was in operation meltdown-abandon ship change planetary address mode. All systems were shutting down. I felt sick to the stomach, my back lit up like a Christmas tree with adrenalin, felt dizzy and my breath disappeared - I heard myself calling for Madalyn. She came over and I told her I wasn't feeling too good. She said: "why? What's the matter?" shaking her hands and her legs - as if she couldn't see I was panic-stricken. I found that odd.

I said " I can't breathe" to which she replied "yes u can!" I looked at her, incredulous. To be honest I am not sure what i expected of her. :) I thought " how odd! She is not buying into my fear - dammit I am gonna have to sort myself out" then she said "just push your tummy in and you will automatically inhale." Desparate, I did as she said and I found myself inhaling almost immediately after and I came back to my body. It felt good. I wasn't going to die. I was back in the driver's seat. Once meltdown return to business as usual i wandered around looking out and found the view quite marvellous. It was so quite up there, very peaceful.

One of the controllers had sunnies and a hat on - I asked him why the apparel and he replied that the glare can be too much on some days. I found it odd that one would wear sunnies and a hat in front of a computer screen - Richard and I struck up a conversation and pretty soon I felt ok cos he is so good at distraction - I know that now, although I didn't know this at time, but he would b my 'helper' on my flight the next day and he just kept me tweeting like a canary. Thanks Richard for my first tranquilizer free flight in 20 odd years.

So that was day 3 - needless to say the custard tart tasted wonderful and I was glad to be alive. My bed was so comfotable and welcoming that night -my senses had been heightened and I felt truly alive.

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Just woken up - wl finish yesterdays post - finished unexpectedly due to visitor. I feel like I have the key, a little excited, a little apprehensive but overall pretty relaxed

Time will tell - now is the moment of power - manawa for my Huna readers - u can only face fear in the now - that is what is meant by power of now.

Amazing grace - I was blind but now I see

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Wow! Another day of highs and lows. I seriously was not prepared but the day started slowly with a wander onto a 767 400 - I felt so lucky to be able to wander onto a plane without competing against all the other members of the public. We listened to Nikki the hostie as we picked out our fav seat positions on the plane. We checked out where they sleep on long hauls & then went up a deck to first class and lay in the passengers crib - so decadent at a cost of $ 16k just for a comfy plane ride. Olympia and I tried the recline position declaring to the universe that we would take advantage now
While we could. I thought - well not so fast - one day I will b able to afford this seat when I publish my book!

We then settled down to a meditation on the plane and it really settled me down. We left for lunch walking across the tarmac like in the old days, the engines humming at high pitch and the smell of aircraft fuel in my nose.

I had lunch and I don't know why but by some design I always land up next to Pat!! We started talking about the air tower tour and I felt my stomach sink intoy feet.

Ohoh sum 1 at the door

More later xxx

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Righto, boss just rung... said you coming to Melbourne...

Everybody, RUN! Duck Hide!.... Sheeeeeeiit... the game is on!

Didn't I say: Bring it ON!.. and the flipping universe responded!!! LOL! Man oh man.... :) N

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